Self-Awareness: You Are the Gatekeeper
What Self-Awareness Actually Means
Self-awareness is your ability to understand what is going on around you, your 360. So, what does that mean? It means the people around you. It means the environment that you are creating and cultivating. It means how you handle individuals. It is a legit thing. It is a real thing. If your world and the people around you are strong, guess what you’re going to be? Strong.
We absorb other people. We take in and we mirror them. They impact you. They impact the way you think and the way you move.
Part of my job as a special agent was to take a bullet for the president of the United States. And when I tell people, they think I’m bonkers. You would what? You would this? But what was interesting is when I was in the US Secret Service and I was around other agents, it was just another Tuesday. It wasn’t that big of a deal because I absorbed what they were.
Yes, do I have my own sense of bravery as an individual? I do. But I was braver because I was around other brave people.
People are contagious. They’re infectious. They will infect you with what they feel and what they think and how they move in their life. And they can impact you in a strong way or it can pull you down.
You Are the Gatekeeper
I want you to think of it this way. You are the gatekeeper. You are the gatekeeper of who comes into your life. You are the gatekeeper at the door. When somebody knocks on your door, do you just open the door and let whoever come in? No. You check and you see who they are. You decide whether or not you let them in. And then, you know what else? You decide how long they stay.
That’s how you’re going to look at your relationships with people. You choose who comes in. You can’t just be an open door and just let everybody in and then get upset when they wreak havoc. You control that gate. You decide who comes in.
I want you to think of it like you’re the bouncer at the door. You ever go to the clubs? I did when I was younger. There was a bouncer at the door. They had the clipboard. They had the names. Are you on my list? Oh, you’re on my list. Okay. You’re not on my list. It would be like, hey, sorry, you can’t come in.
You do the same thing. And then, even after you let them in, if they’re not behaving right, you can ask them to leave. And it’s on your ability to create those boundaries. And we hear this term a lot, but we show people what we are willing to take and what we are willing not to take.
Three Types of People to Watch Out For
1. People Who Have a Lot of Drama
There’s something going on. Something is always wrong. They’re in something. Now, you may think, well, it’s not my drama, it’s their drama. Nope. Drama spills over. Drama impacts you. And if they’re a hot volcano all the time, you’re going to be that, too.
Also, their stuff leaks into your world. It’s going to impact you. So, when we know we have people with drama, we want to simplify or put a bit distance between us and them simply because their problems are going to become your problems.
2. People Who Are in Conflict
These are individuals who have a problem with everybody all the time. It can be, I have a problem with my boss. I have a problem with my parent. I have a problem with my co-worker. I have a problem when I drive, lots of road rage. I have a problem. These individuals strive on conflict.
Here’s what happens and what people don’t realize. They may tell you, I don’t want conflict. I don’t like fighting with people. But yet, they always are. Often, we become addicted to it. Do you know what happens when we deal with conflict? We get a peak. We get a rush, right? That adrenaline goes up. It feels good, doesn’t it? You feel alive, don’t you? And you do it again and again and again.
People pull us into their stuff. It impacts us. They impact your circle. You want to have smooth sailing? You have to have smooth people around you.
3. Blamers and Complainers
Blamers and complainers don’t take accountability. And when they don’t take accountability, nothing is their fault. And that’s not a great way to move in the world.
If you have a goal in life and you’re trying to get here, the blaming and complaining keeps you from getting here. You know why? Cuz it’s this guy’s fault. It’s that guy’s fault. She said this to me. He did that to me. And now, I am a recipient of what the world does to me. I have no control over myself. Everybody else does. I am at the mercy of what everybody does to me. You did this, hence I did this.
A Story About Accountability
I was recently in a situation where I was at a family gathering and there was a woman there whom I actually had never met. And she was there with her mother. And I usually actually, ironically, I know I’m teaching this class, I actually don’t like to talk about myself. So, most of the time, I ask people questions. I deflect.
So, in this scenario, I couldn’t get out of it. She asked what I did. I said, you know, I used to be in law enforcement and, you know, I was NYPD and then US Secret Service. And then something kind of switched in her and she said, you know, I always wanted to be in that field. I wanted to be in world of crime. I wanted to go into that world, but I didn’t. I became a teacher.
And she started to sour. She said, you know, I became a teacher because I listened to my mother. And her mother was right there next to her. She said, you know, I listened to her because she told me to follow this path and I regret it. I’ve been teaching for 25 years. And I never did what I wanted to do.
Her mother, who’s right next to her and this in front of everybody, turns around and said, you know, I’m sorry. I just guided you the best way I thought. I thought, you know, you wanted to be a mom. You wanted to have family. You could have summers off as a teacher. I just gave you the best advice I could.
And the daughter turned around and said, no, I listened to you. Because I listened to you, I’m here.
Now, here’s the thing. I looked at her and I said, can I ask you a question? How long did you say you were a teacher? 25 years. 25 years. So, between the moment you got to listen to your mother and you made that choice until now, you’ve been doing it for 25 years. So, at any point within this 25-year window, you could have taken a different course. But you didn’t.
So, who’s really responsible? You or your mother?
Living in Reality
Self-awareness is being in touch with your reality. Well, reality for that matter. So, it’s not my truth, your truth, his truth, her truth. It’s just the truth. What is the truth about what am I dealing with? What’s going on around me?
When you have that awareness of what your environment is really like, then you can tackle those problems. But when you distort or you shift or you bend something or make something to fit your truth, you can do that and it may feel okay in that moment, but you’re not really dealing with the issue at hand.
To be an effective problem solver and to understand how to deal with things, you have to have self-awareness. You can’t have self-awareness if you don’t live in truth. You can’t have self-awareness when you bend things. When you shift the story, when you shift the narrative. And then when you try to tackle problems or dilemmas, you can’t because you’re building a plan around something that isn’t accurate.
I want you to think of it this way. I want you to be tactically sound. As a special agent, I had to be tactically sound. I needed to know what my problem was, whatever it was, as ugly as it was, and how do I fix this problem? Then, I put my strategy and tactics in place to deal with that problem. What do I need? What assets and tools do I need to effectively extinguish this problem, neutralize this problem, minimize, mitigate this problem?
Think of it like that with you. You have a problem, as ugly as it may be or as difficult as it may be to deal with, face it and then say, okay, now what strategies or tactics do I need? Do I pull out to deal with this?
It’s not about what we want things to be, it’s about what it is. It’s not about the potential something could have, it’s about where it is right now. It’s not about how it used to be, it’s how it is now.
Be honest with yourself and live where you are now. Because then you can fix it. Short term, you may feel good when you shift things, but long term, the damage that accumulates when we don’t handle our problems. Handle them. But to handle them, you have to be honest with yourself. Have that self-awareness.
How to Improve Your Self-Awareness
Shut Up. Less Is More.
When we’re doing a lot of talking, we’re creating noise. And there’s chatter and there’s all these things going on around us. Also, when I’m talking a lot, it’s harder for me to absorb the environment around me. Silence is your best friend. Less is your best friend. So, self-awareness is speak less, listen more.
There is this epic myth out there, by the way, that the person who speaks the most has the most power. I’m going to do all the talking because I’m going to control everything that’s going on around me. Nope. Here’s why.
If I’m doing all the talking and you’re doing all the listening, who has the real power here? You do. Do you know why? Because as you’re listening to me, you’re figuring out every mannerism, how she speaks, how she moves, her agenda, her goals, her belief system, where she comes from, how she thinks. And you know what I’ve learned about you? Nothing. Zero. You’re a blank slate.
So, you tell me who has the most power.
That’s self-awareness. So, to be tactical in the way you are reading your environment, less talking, more listening. I want you to absorb your world. Be a sponge. Open your eyes and listen. Pay attention to what people say, more importantly, what they do or don’t do. Let the world seep in. Because then you’re going to get a better reading, not just on people, but your environment and the world around you.
Accept Feedback Honestly
Also, people are a blessing and a curse. Sometimes people can also give us a really good gauge on what’s really going on with us. Sometimes they’ll give us guidance, and it may be things that you don’t want to hear. But when you hear feedback, I will always ask yourself, is there any truth to what this person is saying?
I’ve done this myself. Anytime I get any type of criticism or feedback, I always pause. I suppress my emotions, and I will say, before I lose it, is there any truth to what this person is saying?
I’ll give you an example. When I left the US Secret Service, I began doing the news. Never been on camera before. In fact, all they ever told us as a special agent is, “Get out of the shot. Don’t be in the line of sight. Nobody wants to see you. They want to see the president or the protectee.” So, I went from being behind the camera and hidden to being in front of the camera.
So, when I transitioned into doing TV and news, and I remember going on to all my interviews, I was very respectful. I came from government. You speak when you’re spoken to. I brought my super humble professional self. “Yes, sir. No, ma’am. Uh yes, please.” But what I was doing is I brought a version of myself that really wasn’t doing justice to what I was trying to do. I brought old Evy into this new world. I wasn’t living in reality. I was still living in Secret Service land.
But TV land and news land is different. You have to have more energy, be more dynamic, speak more, engage more. So, one of my interviews, the person who was interviewing me said, “You’re kind of demure. You’re very soft-spoken. I don’t think this is going to work.”
And I’m thinking, “Wait, excuse me? What?” I just came from the US Secret Service. What is this guy talking about?
And yet, I paused and I thought about it, and I said, “You know what? It’s not how I see me, it’s how he sees me.” And I think I’m bringing the respectful version, the meek version of myself, the humble version, and he’s seeing a very different version, and this version doesn’t fit into what I’m doing.
So, as you’re moving through life and your environment, be honest with yourself. Where are you, and are you truly adapting to where you need to be?
But to do that, you have to live in reality. And if everything hurts our feelings, well, then everything just hurts our feelings.