Power, Presence, and Ownership: A Conversation on Authority, Verbal Economics, and Taking Control of Your Life
Power Lives in the Mind
Power and strength first — it lives in the mind. If I think myself strong, I am strong. Even with altercations with somebody bigger than me, or somebody who’s messed with me, my mindset is: you may walk over here and you may beat me, but I promise you you’re going to be limping back. You’re going to have to earn that. That’s a sentiment I’ve always had. I don’t ever put myself underneath.
That said, it really isn’t my go-to behavior now. When I was younger, I wanted to fight everybody. I wanted to express my opinion and force it down other people’s throats. I asked myself: why am I doing that? I realized we do that for two reasons — ego, and insecurity. When you’re younger, you’re trying to figure yourself out. You don’t know who the hell you are.
When I did act, I had to do so in a way that assured it would not be mistaken for weakness or uncertainty.
Paralinguistics: What Do They Hear When They Hear You?
Paralinguistics. If I don’t want somebody to go into this room, I’m going to say “you can’t go into this room” versus you can’t go into this room. My tone. My pitch. I speak with conviction.
What do you sound like when you deliver your information? What words do you use? What do they hear when they hear you?
A lot of people can’t watch themselves on camera. Can’t hear themselves. “Oh my God, is that what I sound like?” Then fix it. You want to strengthen your voice. You also have to believe in what you’re saying and why you’re saying it.
In my previous job protecting the President of the United States, having the backing of the Secret Service gave me confidence. But I also went through training. I had people get in my face. The more adversity you deal with, the more resilient you become. When you avoid conflict, you don’t know what to do when real conflict shows up.
Repetition. Repetition. Creating habits that are healthy so that when things happen, you default to those habits. I have that version of me — the stand-your-ground version. But I’m also tactical about it. If somebody betrays me, I’m not going to come at them in the most obvious way. I won’t call that person names. I will control myself. But I’ll fix it the right way. The strategic way. Not to hurt, but to get them out of the way.
Two Personas to Watch For
There are two types of personas to be careful of: people who are extremely self-righteous, and people who use justification.
Justification: When I did interviews and polygraphs, I interviewed people who did really horrible things, and they would almost always justify it. “I hit him with a bat because he shoved me.” Or, “I’m going to go after his money because he did this to me.” Justification is very dangerous. You use it to justify doing something bad, or somebody else uses it to justify harming you. What you’re doing is still horrible. You’re just justifying it to yourself.
Sometimes we have moments like, “What are they thinking?” They’re thinking: I’m justified. That’s why.
Self-righteousness: That’s the “I am holier than thou” persona. When someone says “I’m really going to pray for you because you need it” — that’s the most condescending thing you can say. It insinuates they’re closer to God than you are. Self-righteousness is rigidity. When someone believes they are so right, that’s a flag.
Look at how people treat other people. If they gossip about others and treat people poorly, I promise you they’re doing the same thing to you, or will. Look at people holistically — who they are with everybody.
Surround Yourself With the Right People
There are so many different outlets. Assess yourself. Surround yourself with strong people. If you’re around people who lose their composure, guess what you’re going to do?
And don’t mimic other people when they escalate. I get trapped in that. I keep calm, I keep calm, I keep calm — and then after a certain point, if someone keeps escalating, my tone gets louder, my voice gets harder. But when I feel that, I remove myself. I go quiet. If I disappear from someone’s life, I’m done. I’ll come back, but if I can keep composure, I will assert myself.
Authority doesn’t mean being a jerk. Authority doesn’t mean being condescending. In fact, authority is a strong influence tactic. When you are perceived as an authority in something, people will acquiesce to you more. This is why we acquiesce so much to doctors. To law enforcement — they’ve got a uniform on. Financial advisers. We see them as authority, meanwhile they could have graduated last in their class.
When you assert yourself as an authority — in body posture, voice, speech, and how you present yourself — people are less likely to mess with you.
Establishing Authority From the First Moment
In the interview room, I would walk in and people would see me and think, “This is going to be an easy day.” I controlled that from the moment I met that person. Hi, how are you? I’m Evie Pomrenze. Nice to meet you. And if I wanted to throw in Special Agent, I would. Set the tone. Now this person understands: she is an authority here. That’s really, really important.
Passive is a no-go. Passive builds up, and then you blow up on people.
If I’m dealing with someone who is a buffoon, I’ll minimize my dealing with them. I’ll deal with them via email. I’ll pull back. I’ll have my manager handle them. I’m strategic. I don’t need to handle everyone directly.
Verbal Economics
Verbal economics — this came from my colleague Lee, a great interviewer and negotiator.
We live in a time where people think they have to say everything they’re thinking. One woman told me, “I talk really fast because I’m trying to get everything I’m thinking out of my mouth.” Why? Choose what you let out. Not every idea that pops into your head should be verbalized. When you do that, you’re not putting weight into your words.
Verbal economics means choosing your words thoughtfully. Think of what you’re about to say as money. The more powerful and impactful the words, the more currency you’re putting down. That currency impacts that person. If you’re just spewing everything you’re thinking, there’s no currency — nothing is truly of value.
When you slow it down and use the mindset that your words matter — that they have weight and impact another human being — that changes everything.
Priming and the Opening Line
In negotiations, good people prepare before the pitch. Before you go into an interview or a presentation, your opening line should always be written down. It should be rehearsed. You should never fly by the seat of your pants. That opening line is the defining moment for how the rest of your conversation will go.
For example: “Hi, I’m Evie. It’s so nice to be here. Thank you for having me. I can’t wait to talk to you about the partnership and create an open relationship and an honest one where we can cooperate together.”
In there, I threw in priming words: open, cooperative, relationship. I’m priming you to want to work with me, to create this open environment.
You can also prime through your environment — open space lets people not feel closed in. People who do negotiations with tables between them — that’s a fundamental 101 mistake.
Tables, Space, and Rapport
I taught an interviewing workshop for realtors — how to sell better. They work so hard to connect with people, build rapport, get them excited about a property. Then they sit down to do paperwork and put a table between them. You just killed it. You went from “we’re buddies” to “sit down, let’s do business.” The moment someone sits down at a table, their posture changes. They straighten up. “Okay. Business now.” I don’t want that.
I teach with a podium, and I never stand behind it. I walk through the aisles. I let my students know: it’s not me and then you, it’s us.
Tables are psychological barriers. That’s me. Then there’s you.
Deflecting Pressure by Focusing on Them
One of the ways I deflect pressure from myself is to think about the other person — and forget about me.
I shot a project recently. I wanted to make sure I did a really good job. So I took it back to: I’m delivering something for the viewer. Someone is going to see this. That’s what matters. I took myself out of it. I made it about them. What do they need to see? What do they need to hear so that it feels impactful and authentic?
That distracts me from me.
But if you’re presenting something — be prepared. A big part of pressure is not being prepared. If you’re prepared, that’s one less thing to worry about. If you’ve got the right outfit, that’s one less thing. If your hair and makeup are done the way you feel confident, that’s one less thing.
I look at it as columns. I’m nervous about speaking — that’s a column where I’m struggling. But what other columns can I control? What I wear. How I look. How much I prepare. My paralinguistics. My voice. My speech. My rate. I’ll check all those other boxes.
When something breaks bad, I’m solid in all these other verticals. I’m prepared. I’m confident. I’ve got what I need. I just have to worry about the one thing.
Ownership
You take ownership over your actions. You take ownership over the outcomes.
A lot of people blame other people because they think they’re protecting themselves. But what you don’t realize is that in the long term, you damage yourself. It becomes your default. Nothing is your fault. Everything is everybody else’s fault. Nothing’s going to work out. And you give your power away.
I came from an agency where they don’t want to hear excuses. Own it. Make a mistake? Own it. Fix it. Move forward.
When you blame other people, you’re saying all these people have control over me. I have no control over my fate. But you’re the captain of your ship. You steer the direction it goes. If a wave knocks you over, you fix your ship and steer another way.
Victimology
There’s something called victimology — the study of victims of crime to identify patterns.
It’s not about blaming. It’s about assessing. Lifestyle choices can impact susceptibility. If you find that you’re constantly being victimized by people — this person took advantage of me, then this one, then that one — ask yourself: What am I doing to let people think they can do this to me? There’s something I am doing, or not doing, that signals to people that they can treat me this way.
Violent offenders, when asked how they pick targets, say: body language. They pick people who look distracted, on their phone, not paying attention, with poor posture. They don’t want a fair fight. They want someone easy. Bullies aren’t looking for their equal. They’re looking for people they can take over.
That’s why children are constantly victimized — they’re the least able to take care of themselves.
Fight back. Speak back. Walk away. You have choices.