I’m in Colorado Springs and President Barack Obama is planning a trip to go speak and give the commencement to the graduating class for the Air Force Academy. So this is tens of thousands of people that are coming to this event. I go out there in advance to do our advance. And I am the site agent who’s in charge of the exterior perimeter. That means anything that’s going on outside of the stadium is my responsibility. Fire, terrorism, nuclear, radiation, the sky, anything underneath the ground. The people coming in. So I’m in charge of the entire outer perimeter security.
The day comes where we have our meet with our team. We call them our counterparts and that’s members of the US Air Force. So as we’re meeting to do a walk-through, which means you walk through the side and you put the plan together, it’s myself and my team and my colleagues as well as our counterparts for the Air Force.
As we’re doing our walk-through, the commander comes in and he’s the head of basically it’s the entire site. He says, “Hi, I’m Commander So-and-so. Nice to meet you all. I just wanted to stop by and say hello.” He comes in. So I’m standing here with my colleagues. We’re in this semicircle. “Hi, I’m Commander So-and-so.” Shakes this agent’s hand. “Hi, I’m Commander So-and-so.” Shakes this agent’s hand. This is me. “Hi, I’m Commander So-and-so.” Shakes this agent’s hand and he finishes the line.
So I’m standing there. “What do you do?” He clearly skipped me. And everybody saw. “What do you do?” I did nothing. I didn’t say anything. I let the moment ride. Because my assignment and my mission was not him.
Here’s the problem where people get confused when it comes to respect. In that moment, if I stopped and I thought, “Who is this guy? He just skipped me. He didn’t shake my hand. I’m one of the agents actually in charge of this.” Like, why would he do that? I could have also been like, “Hey, I’m Evy. Good to meet you.” But he didn’t matter. The assignment wasn’t about him. My mission was to secure the President of the United States. Not this guy.
When you get caught up with respect, you can shift your focus. My focus would have gone from, “I need to secure the President of the United States.” to, “I need to make this guy respect me. I need his respect. I’m the side agent.” Did I really need his respect to do my job? Nope. And then 20 minutes later, he actually found out who was in charge. This lady.
We get so focused on needing people’s respect. And you know what that is? It’s your ego. It’s your insecurity. It’s your need to have the outside world validate you. Why? I did that assignment. The President walked away safely. So, me sitting there trying to figure out why he did this. Maybe he did it because I was the only female agent. Maybe he did it cuz he doesn’t like women. Maybe I look like his ex-wife. Who knows? Who cares? Not my problem.
You have to know when it is your problem and when it’s not. And this clearly was not.
When you seek respect outside of yourself, you get derailed.
So, here’s a secret. I’m about to free you.
You don’t need respect.
Can I ask you a question? Can you make people respect you? I mean, often I hear people say you can earn respect. Sure. But, you make eye contact, show up on time, follow through with what you say you’re going to do. But, you can do all these things and hit all these notes, and can people still not respect you? Yep. And then what happens? Then you do what? Why don’t they respect me? Why doesn’t this person do this? Why did they show me that? And then you get derailed.
So, now your mission isn’t what am I set out to do, for example, secure the President of the United States and make sure he goes home alive. My mission becomes I need to figure out how to get this guy to respect me. And then I spend the rest of the trip not focusing on what my task is, what my mission is. It’s on this guy, and I need to figure out what’s going on in his head and why he did it.
People will distract you and derail you from what you were trying to do if you don’t pay attention.
Respect is wonderful. Don’t get me wrong. If somebody gives it to you, great. But, there are times that no matter what you do, that no matter how hard you try, you’re not going to get it. Leave it. You don’t need it.
Respect is a gift. If somebody wants to give it to you, they will. And if they don’t, they won’t.
Leave it there. Because otherwise, you’re going to distract yourself. You are going to spend your entire life trying to chase this person and that person, trying to figure out why they’re not giving you the respect that you deserve. Most of the time, we don’t need it.
Also, you don’t need somebody outside of yourself to validate who you are. I did not need his respect to do my job. I secured that site, no problem.
So, we have to focus on what is your goal? Is your goal to execute something? People are going to come along the way, they’re going to derail you, they’re going to confuse you, they’re going to disrespect you. But, you have to stay on track. You have to stay on mission. Where are you trying to go? Because if you don’t pay attention, they’re going to pull you off your path.
Also, to keep in mind this whole respect thing, trying to get everybody to respect you, speak up, own the room, let them see you. Why? Why do you need that? Are you that insecure that you need that from everybody else to validate you so that you know your self-worth?
No, you don’t.
That’s what self-respect means. I know who I am. I know the integrity of who I am and how I show up to the world. I’m going to do me in the best way, and I will give respect to other people. We don’t want to disrespect others. We’re going to give it because it’s the right thing for us, and it’s the image we want to project out to the world. Well, what people choose to give you back, not your problem.
Free yourself.
I need people to like me. Do you? Do you really?
Here’s where there’s a problem. If you are focused on people liking you, much like respect, you lose sight of your mission. What’s your mission? Is your mission to execute something successfully, or is your mission to make people like you?
Let’s use this as an example. I’m teaching this class, BBC Maestro. I’m your maestro. Now, do you want me to come into this class with the mindset, I really hope they like me. I really hope you like me. I really hope everybody on this set likes me. You know, because if they like me, then they’ll like my class. Is that what you want me to come in with that mindset? Or do you want me to come in with a mindset of I’m going to give them a good class. I’m going to do my best. I’m going to teach them as much as I can and all the things that helped me along the way that helped me succeed because I want them to succeed. I’m going to be genuine. I’m going to be forthright. I’m going to deliver the best that I can.
If my focus is to give you a good class, to give you my best, to give you strategies and tools, to make you the focal point, guess what’s organically going to happen? You’re probably going to like me.
What mission do you want?
Because the first mission, the first goal, which is trying to get you to like me, who am I focused on? I’m focused on Evie. I don’t care about you. I’m focused on you liking me. I’m focused on how I feel. Me, me, me, me, me. I don’t think you want that version of me, do you?
If I’m focused on you liking me, then what do I care about? Do I care about you or do I care about me? Because in that scenario, I’m not thinking about you. I’m thinking about me and how I feel and what the world thinks of me. And I would think that that’s not the part of me you want me to bring to this class. I’m thinking that’s not the energy you want. You want somebody who cares about you.
Please don’t get me wrong. It’s nice when people like you. We all want that. We It’s nice when people respect us. We all want those sentiments and feelings. But the problem becomes if you make that your goal and your focus, now you’re trying to get into the head of somebody else to understand why they see you the way they do.
How about this? How about you focus on being solid? How about you focus on being on time? How about you focus on doing what you say you’re going to do? How about you focus on being respectful and courteous? How about you focus on all these different things and then allow people to organically show you respect. Then allow them to organically like you. Because otherwise, you’re going to sit and you’re going to run through these mental loops in your head and make yourself crazy trying to figure out why does this person not like me?
So, this is why you need to kick likeability to the curb.
It is not about whether or not people like you, because when you focus on that, you’re focusing on you. And that doesn’t serve others, and quite frankly, it doesn’t serve you.